Sunday, December 6, 2009

Office Guy's Top 5 Douchebag Coworkers

Every Office Guy has coworkers that inspires him to do great things, achieve desirable results, and consistently exceed expectations. Then there are the douchebags. We've all worked with them, heck, you probably are one of them. But whether you manage DB's, work with DB's, or just casually observe DB's from a far, sit back and enjoy the top five office douchbags.

DISCLAIMER 1: if this list is incomplete, it's probably because I've knocked myself out by now, and will wake up for jeans Friday, so leave me alone. 2: My gut tells me I'm missing about 50 office douchebags in this list, so leave me your comments and I will post a revised list soon.

5.) The Always In Your Face Boss. This is the boss that is never quite happy with anything you or anyone does, no matter how good the product is or how good you think you are. There is always a meeting, usually a touchbase, where the DB pulls you aside into a conference room to ask you to explain your results, your data, your existence. This boss is calm in the interrogation, and why not? He's blocking the door!!! There is no gender distinction in this category and they will use every tool to practice their art (sametime, email, phone, etc).

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4.) The Unman. Drinking stories? Nope. Jokes (of any kind)? Uh uh. Sports? Forget about it. This is the guy that has nothing in common with any other guy with the exception of anatomy. You try and try, but he won't show interest in a steak, or bacon, or even non-diet coke. WTF? It's bad enough that you can't discuss football on Monday, but the worst part is that you can't discuss ANYTHING with this guy. Whether malicious or benign, your conversation with this DB will be reiterated to everyone in the office, which is the biggest offense in the Guy Code. DB.

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3.) Tight Pants. (WARNING: This item refers to male office douchebags only and may actually be hazardous to your health) Seriously? You're just going to pretend like we don't notice? You're pants are tight dude, and it's not fair to the rest of us. I have to work here, and don't appreciate your TP. Girls don't even like it (do they?), and it makes the rest of us slightly queezy.

2.) The Flatulator. I can't lie... I'm sometimes this office douchebag, but usually it's the Eastern European guy a few cubes over. This DB usually appears on Mondays the day after football, Tuesdays the day after football, and Friday the day after the happy hour. Me thinks this is an Office Guy thing, but I sometimes wonder if its that 30 something mom an aisle over, hmm...

1.) The Maverick Nerd. This DB asks for permission to buzz the tower, buzzes the tower, but instead of high fives and fist bumps, everyone is left slightly annoyed. Not just because directions weren't followed, but because he walks around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment. SOP's don't faze this DB. Documenting responses is so under this DB that he doesn't even bother. In fact everyone is below this guy, including managers so why do anything the right way? But no matter how much feedback this Office DB receives, or sublte hints to follow protocol that the PM is forced to say at every status meeting, this Maverick DB is actually hard to fire... Hey, he knows his stuff (and your's too).

Honorable Mentions:

6.) The middle stall guy

7.) The hard-ass offshore DB

8.) The almost hot girl (but is not because she has Judd Nelson's nose) that does nothing because she thinks she's >= 9 girl.

9.) The part-time urban twang talker

10.) The DB that sits next to the window even though s/he doesn't deserve it.

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