Saturday, May 15, 2010

Office Guy's Top 5 Birthdays in the 3rd Week of May

5.) Megan Fox (24) 05.16.1986
She would also make the Hot Mess list or Does Not Meet Expectations List, as she really hasn't done anything lately besides run around with Shea La Douche, or whatever his name is. Megan Fox, eh...

Obviously couresy of GQ

4.) Tori Spelling (37) 05.16.1973

I found this hot in the 90's...



3.) Mr. T (58) 05.21.1952
Mr. T would be the best boss in the world. When I hold a kick-off meeting, I fully expect him to kick me off the chair with speed of Gerard Butler's pharmacist. For a visual, see the following (0:27 for you lazy Lindsays): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETgk56xT4Mk



2.) Andre the Giant (would've been 64) 05.19.1946
C'mon, could you rock the one-strapped leotard at the water cooler?


1.) Tina Fey (40!) 05.18.1970

She works in an office in 30 Rock (I'm stretching... <^>). She's number one on the list..... I can't really explain it..... I mean she's 40 after all, 40!.... even though I'm no spring chicken, 40 isn't exactly my cup of tea.... so that's that. Hey, am I the only one who think's the scar is kind of hot?

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Office Guy's Top 5 Office Essentials

Another non-office post, but I promise to get back on track soon. These are the top 5 office essentials that every guy should have, whether they know it or not.

5. The Rear-view Mirror. Put this on your cube wall or monitor to know when Bill Lumberg is creepin up on you. The hardest part about this item is explaining it. Everyone knows what it is for, and the more excuses you make, the harder it is to justify it. My favorite line was that I just can't stand when people sneak up on me, it freaks me out, but it didn't sound believable. Eventually, I just owned up and admitted I didn't want office douchebags sneaking up on me.

4. Low Key Restaurant. This one is easy. Find a local restaurant that not a lot of people know about, but that has good food and drink specials. Whether you just want to get away from your coworkers, or have a few drinks with the good ones, find yourself a mini-getaway.

3. Flask. I don't recommend getting blitzed at work, but an emergency flask can get you through the tough times. Hey, you either need one of these badboys filled with whiskey or a couple of Xanax's handy for when the client is pissed because you dropped the ball. Don't judge.

2. Updated Resume. Please don't make me explain this one, and don't pretend you're not always thinking about leaving your current gig. This isn't intended as a bargaining chip or an ultimatum, it's just nice to have for when the flask doesn't solve the problem.

1. Hot Chicks. I recommend being friends with the hot women in your office. You and I both know you don't stand a chance, and even if you did, you're probably married so don't get crazy. But lets face it; hot chicks makes us feel better about the situation, world, life, existence. Check out this YouTube clip and come back.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4EFvtceT1U
So if the real thing isn't available in your office, find a safe alternative. By safe I mean find a website that doesn't raise suspicions. A personal favorite of mine is Sports Illustrated.com. You can get there through CNN, and once you do, go to the photo's link and look through it. Normally, you can find the cheerleader of the week or college super fans. If the photo's link isn't happening, go to the Extra Mustard link, but becareful when linking in from there, as some of the sites can be iffy. Enjoy cubemates.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Office Guy's Top 5 Douchebag Coworkers

Every Office Guy has coworkers that inspires him to do great things, achieve desirable results, and consistently exceed expectations. Then there are the douchebags. We've all worked with them, heck, you probably are one of them. But whether you manage DB's, work with DB's, or just casually observe DB's from a far, sit back and enjoy the top five office douchbags.



DISCLAIMER 1: if this list is incomplete, it's probably because I've knocked myself out by now, and will wake up for jeans Friday, so leave me alone. 2: My gut tells me I'm missing about 50 office douchebags in this list, so leave me your comments and I will post a revised list soon.


5.) The Always In Your Face Boss. This is the boss that is never quite happy with anything you or anyone does, no matter how good the product is or how good you think you are. There is always a meeting, usually a touchbase, where the DB pulls you aside into a conference room to ask you to explain your results, your data, your existence. This boss is calm in the interrogation, and why not? He's blocking the door!!! There is no gender distinction in this category and they will use every tool to practice their art (sametime, email, phone, etc).

Image from self.com


4.) The Unman. Drinking stories? Nope. Jokes (of any kind)? Uh uh. Sports? Forget about it. This is the guy that has nothing in common with any other guy with the exception of anatomy. You try and try, but he won't show interest in a steak, or bacon, or even non-diet coke. WTF? It's bad enough that you can't discuss football on Monday, but the worst part is that you can't discuss ANYTHING with this guy. Whether malicious or benign, your conversation with this DB will be reiterated to everyone in the office, which is the biggest offense in the Guy Code. DB.

Image from freedomgrill.com

3.) Tight Pants. (WARNING: This item refers to male office douchebags only and may actually be hazardous to your health) Seriously? You're just going to pretend like we don't notice? You're pants are tight dude, and it's not fair to the rest of us. I have to work here, and don't appreciate your TP. Girls don't even like it (do they?), and it makes the rest of us slightly queezy.


2.) The Flatulator. I can't lie... I'm sometimes this office douchebag, but usually it's the Eastern European guy a few cubes over. This DB usually appears on Mondays the day after football, Tuesdays the day after football, and Friday the day after the happy hour. Me thinks this is an Office Guy thing, but I sometimes wonder if its that 30 something mom an aisle over, hmm...



1.) The Maverick Nerd. This DB asks for permission to buzz the tower, buzzes the tower, but instead of high fives and fist bumps, everyone is left slightly annoyed. Not just because directions weren't followed, but because he walks around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment. SOP's don't faze this DB. Documenting responses is so under this DB that he doesn't even bother. In fact everyone is below this guy, including managers so why do anything the right way? But no matter how much feedback this Office DB receives, or sublte hints to follow protocol that the PM is forced to say at every status meeting, this Maverick DB is actually hard to fire... Hey, he knows his stuff (and your's too).




Honorable Mentions:

6.) The middle stall guy

7.) The hard-ass offshore DB

8.) The almost hot girl (but is not because she has Judd Nelson's nose) that does nothing because she thinks she's >= 9 girl.

9.) The part-time urban twang talker

10.) The DB that sits next to the window even though s/he doesn't deserve it.